Father’s Day

For 14 years I was a single parent of four children. On Father’s day my children, friends and family often gave me gifts, cooked for me, and did other things to show their love for me and the work it takes to do both jobs. Single parents deserve double honor and I will always give them that. I doth not possess a lone fuck for the people who think they can dictate how any one else traverses the land mine of this day.

I  was never sad on Father’s Day and then my Papa died. He has officially been gone for a year now. The painful part is if he were alive we still would have been separated by more than oceans and expensive airline tickets. He was absent for 12 years of my childhood and MIA most of my adult life. You would think that by now I would have grown accustomed to missing him.

A friend posted on Facebook to share your favorite memory of your father if you had one. I sat at my desk began to weep silently. I have a treasure trove of good memories, before the divorce, before I ended up in the U.S. with my mom, before north Tulsa, before it all fell apart. I also have the saving grace of reconnecting with him as an adult.

Our relationship was complicated and full of wounds and wishes but I want to hold space today for the good. Can I share with you one of my childhood memories and one as an adult? Im going to anyway.

badagery

This is Badagry Beach in Nigeria. When I was kid my Dad and I sat on this shore eating suya fresh out of the flames with raw onions and tomatoes. It is my absolute favorite food in the world. He knows/ knew that and always I sat on the shoreline and dug my hands and feet into the sand and let the breaking waves wash over me. Afterwards my Papa let me sip some of his palm wine. I loved that day. I can grasp it whenever I need to. It is mine in ways he could not always be.

My final memory took place in 2015. When I went back to Nigeria for my Grandfathers burial. The entire family was seated at the head table at the reception hall. I was an Omenai among Omenais. Which is something no one but an Omenai will understand. Not alone but one of the cherished. Surrounded by everyone who came to honor my grandfather Henry Osime Omenai. My father and I danced together for what I did not know would be the last time. Dancing with my father meant everything to me and I will grasp that moment when the waves of  sorrow wash ashore.

Why didn’t you come save me, Papa, when you could? Is the question that haunted me everyday of my life up until his death. Here are the things I know for certain my Papa loved me. He called me his prizefighter or champion in every letter. I love that. He gave me this name that makes me straightens my spine, hold my head high and demand respect. He loved me. His wounds were as deep as my own and we both found peace.

I spent today making bourbon chicken and peach cobbler from scratch with Justin, all the girls, and Lord. We laughed loud, held each other tight, and no one mentioned the phantom limb. I cried when I needed to. I also danced and created art. I even managed a nap. This day is full of dueling emotions for many. May comfort cover you in all the ways you need it. May love overflowing lift you today whether you are celebrating, in mourning or both like myself.

I’m with you always,

Only C.

You Can’t Keep A Good Girl Down

I’ve been feeling under the weather for over a week now. I assumed it was just a product of my nonstop go life. I tried resting but no amount of sleep made me feel better. I woke up with chest pains and drove myself to the ER. They are taking exceptional care of me.

As the doctors scramble around anxiously pouring over tests results and the nurses fuss over IVs, beeping machines, and charts, I consider that tomorrow is the first day of school for Icey, Messiah and Majesty. I do not entertain for a second that I won’t be there.

I sent out the alert to my tribe. The response is as always overwhelming love and support. In the middle of all the texts and calls I got a text that tells me I’m  qualified for Slam Nuba’s (WE CUT HEADS) IWPS Slam on Friday.Well if you know me, you know what that means…

They just gave me nitroglycerin and morphine. It has a similar effect as a benadryl smoothie. Never the less I am guiding Majesty through lighting the candles on my altar and talking Icey and Messiah through mentally preparing for the first day of school via text. It’s not what you have or how you look. It’s all about what you do. I’ll be here memorizing new poems from my Google Drive app until they agree that all is well and send my divinely healthy, magic ass home. And so it is. As I was typing this, the CT scan results came back. I don’t have a pulmonary blood clot!! They are keeping me overnight but I’ll be on my feet in no time and on the mic Friday. Tribe is gold. God is great.

All love. All light. Always.

Confidence Omenai

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Pink has consistently been in my top 10

Pink has consistently been in my top 10 favorite artist since her career began. However tonight my Pink playlist is loaded with lyrics that I am just now fully understanding. The song “Glitter in the Air” says “Have you ever wished for an endless night…have your ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight. Closed your eyes and just trusted. Looked fear in the face and said I just don’t care.”

Man all this resonates so deeply with my new life. My whole past the abusers would always say “That’s what you get.” Every time I fought back, got hurt, or something bad happened. For the first time today it settled in my spirit that, love overflowing, laughter, amazing friends, spectacular children, a thriving business, and a body that has not betrayed me is “What I get.” I get every good thing.

After spending my whole life believing that I deserved every bad thing that ever happened to me, it is miraculous, liberating, and in this moment I am so overwhelmed by light and love that I cant stop weeping. Tears of joy are rare. I will let them flow freely.

Thank you everyone who is apart of my crazy beautiful life.

Only Confi ♥

It’s that time again. If I had followed my advice we wouldn’t of caught a case. Don’t trade places with what I been through. Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

Only Confidence

Confi’s Holiday Survival Tips

Some of you(not me) are going to force yourselves to deal with crazy family this holiday.

If you want to make it to Christmas follow these rules.

Taser *fully charged (dont ask)
1 liter Belvedere Vodka (doubles as a nightstick)
1 pint Captain Morgans Rum (doubles as a antiseptic for lacerations)
Bag of zip ties (no handcuffs)* chew through them if you are the one zip tied

Drive your own vehicle for a quick getaway
(918)592-BAIL (keep that handy)
Leave debit card in a sealed envelope w/Bestie in case of extended incarceration
Dont make audible threats (manslaughter vs premeditated murder)
Wear shoes with good traction
If your opponent is a scratcher Carmax doubles as Vaseline rub it on your face
* An updo will minimize hair pulling. A bun toward the back is more practical.

Lol, Im just kidding these rules may come in handy in…

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Giving Thanks To My Grandmothers

Pulling Together

 

For Maggie, Sarah, Callie, Emma, and Esther

Great Great Great Grandma Maggie Thank you for your life and your sacrifice. For you I promise to let no man own me. In me you live free.

Great Great Grandma Sarah, Thank you for your life and your sacrifice. For you I wear my college education like a badge of honor, speak uncompromising truth no matter the consequence.In me you live free.

Great Grandma Callie, Thank you for your life and your sacrifice. For you I buy land instead of liabilities, vote in every election, and dispel darkness with the flick of my wrist. Your intellect is the ink in my veins. In me you live free.

Grandma Emma, Thank you for your prayers, your prophetic voice, and the life you created. For you, I love my children every day with every fiber of my being, I kiss them for everyone cancer stole from you, I embrace as I know you longed to hold my mother. I am everything you didn’t get to be. For you I raise your grandchildren like warriors, teach them how to fight in the spirit. You are the terror and authority in my war cry. In me you live free.

Grandma Esther, Thank you for being my sanctuary, teaching me how to love the seemingly unlovable, how to forgive and the meaning of “Peace be still”. For you, I say “No” loud, clear, often, with no remorse,when too much is asked of me. Love without judgement. I choose my friends based on character and not color lines. I am leaving this city, state, country and carrying your heart in my heart every step of the way.I am taking you everywhere you should have gone. In me you breathe free.

Forgiveness for Graduates

   Learned a gut wrenching lesson in forgiveness today. Often the hell you would box your transgressor up and ship them to has nothing on the hell they are living in. Today I got a glimpse of the suffering , guilt, shame, and torture of the person in this life that caused me irreparable harm.The pain they have inflicted on themselves pales in comparison to any retribution I could have imagined. I only know mercy.When I said I forgive you this time I felt like I lost 50 pounds instantly. Sooo liberated!!! It resonated like that moment in The Fifth Element when Leeloo went nuclear.

 

Today forgiveness beat back the darkness. Love wins again. Ipod cues Pink’s Fuckin’ Perfect. Victorious the heroine hops a cab to Starbucks for her much needed Grande Caramel Macchiato with whip cream and  light dusting of cocoa powder. Don’t judge me…

Only Confidence