I have been postponing doing my second RUHCUS for a year. The first one was successful but as all of you who have participated know, it often makes you feel naked in front of the world. I have said before and still whole heartedly believe in the power of healing in community, but that knowledge doesnt make this process any easier for me.
It’s so much easier for my ego if I cry, break down, and struggle through difficult seasons alone.
HOW NOT TO COPE
1.You never put your business out in the street. Keep your struggles a secret.
2. If you are depressed put on flawless makeup and the baddest outfit in your wardrobe.Focus on being prettier that will solve everything, right??o_O
3. Bake random sweets things with butter, brown sugar, rum, flaky crusts and feast on them until you grow a new ass on top of the old one.
4. When you run out of the energy to paint a smile on, avoid everyone.No one likes a Debbie Downer.
5. Sit up all night trying to solve problems that you have no control over. Sleep is for the idle.
6. Start chain smoking cigarettes. Let the assurance that each inhale is bringing you closer to death sit up with you at night.
7. Take back your crazy ex. You may lose some teeth, an eye and every ounce of self respect but the bills will get paid.
8. Become a Dominatrix. In Oklahoma its easier to get people to pay for punishment than poetry.True story
I feel like turning off my phone. Abandoning all social media. Locking myself in my room. Sleeping through the kids calling,friends calling, doorbell ringing, the lights, water, and gas going off, the eventual eviction, and letting them carry me to a quiet room where I can stare out of windows writing poems in a semi-catatonic state until my starvation diet kills me.
If it were just me that would be Plan A, but its not just me. There are four people counting on me to get up every day and keep their world spinning. This world fueled by misery and heartache. If it weren’t for my children I would have been dead fourteen years ago. The focus of my RUHCUS for us is to find a way to make peace with the life I created. I spent all of my soul work forgiving other people for the things they did to me. I’m spending this one forgiving me. I can honestly say the only person I hate or hold anything against is myself. I will work on what ceremony I can do in honor of forgiving self but step one is acknowledging that I hate me for every bad decision and some of the good decisions that cost me dearly. Forgiving me seems almost impossible. I made so many mistakes, but Ill do it or die trying.
Dying to Live,