You Can’t Keep A Good Girl Down

I’ve been feeling under the weather for over a week now. I assumed it was just a product of my nonstop go life. I tried resting but no amount of sleep made me feel better. I woke up with chest pains and drove myself to the ER. They are taking exceptional care of me.

As the doctors scramble around anxiously pouring over tests results and the nurses fuss over IVs, beeping machines, and charts, I consider that tomorrow is the first day of school for Icey, Messiah and Majesty. I do not entertain for a second that I won’t be there.

I sent out the alert to my tribe. The response is as always overwhelming love and support. In the middle of all the texts and calls I got a text that tells me I’m  qualified for Slam Nuba’s (WE CUT HEADS) IWPS Slam on Friday.Well if you know me, you know what that means…

They just gave me nitroglycerin and morphine. It has a similar effect as a benadryl smoothie. Never the less I am guiding Majesty through lighting the candles on my altar and talking Icey and Messiah through mentally preparing for the first day of school via text. It’s not what you have or how you look. It’s all about what you do. I’ll be here memorizing new poems from my Google Drive app until they agree that all is well and send my divinely healthy, magic ass home. And so it is. As I was typing this, the CT scan results came back. I don’t have a pulmonary blood clot!! They are keeping me overnight but I’ll be on my feet in no time and on the mic Friday. Tribe is gold. God is great.

All love. All light. Always.

Confidence Omenai

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RUHCUS Day 30: The End Is Always The Beginning

The Beginning

I started this RUHCUS project broken, repressed, convinced that I was unlovable, feeling unworthy, trying unsuccessfully to bottle  years of hurt and anger in a package that the world would find socially acceptable. Wings were the last thing I expected to walk away with but wings are exactly what I got.

 Soaring and Other Acts of God I found out that I was so much stronger when I stopped caring about being perceived as weak. I learned to love the body that I live in, and actually began living in it. I gave my self permission to be wounded, cry over the dead,  give them proper burial and left the Land of the Lost in my rear view. I have been completely and permanently altered by the love and support I received. I am blessed by those who solidified their positions in my life and honored by those who revealed their true character good and bad. I realize that you only had three options, lead, follow, or get out of my way.

I cannot tell you what tommorow will hold.  In the coming weeks everything about life as Ive known it is shifting.  Lifelong friends have passed, shifted careers, moved out of state and changed allegiances. I have come to accept that some family members and old friends ain’t family no more. When you begin manifesting beyond the limitations sheeple have placed on you, they will get angry, lash out,dismiss, discredit and even try to derail you.  Do not be dissuaded.

Crazy girl who’s paradigm is shifting

Feet freeing themselves from faulty foundation

Faster than you prepared to follow

Let false reality rip apart at the seams

Take the red pill

Release the jagged edges of your broken dreams

Stop bleeding

You can build new ones

I hope that if you lose your way, you return here to renew your strength. You are beautiful, worthy, and divinely held.  Thank you for taking this journey with me. There are so many things that I will have to remind myself of and tackle moving forward, but this has given me the perspective  needed to continue my evolution unapologetically. I am eternally grateful to all of the beautiful women and men who laughed, cried and transformed with me. Thank you Sonya Renee for being the catalyst. You are untouchable, and you know why. The  end of my RUHCUS is really the beginning for me…

Love & Light

Only Confidence

RUHCUS Day 19: Change Comes

Smoldering  Transitions

  • I have reached the finish line on a book that has taken me five years to write.
  • I have effectively removed myself from several unproductive endeavors and relationships.
  • I have taken control of my body and beat these hips,thighs and oh mys into submission.

What Do I Have To Show For It???

I am proud of myself and what I have accomplished. I love who I am and what I stand for. I believe my body is beautiful and has served me well.  I can do things without breaking a sweat that used to be out of my reach. I ran 6.3 miles. My time is my own. I no longer have to be in places that don’t inspire, stimulate or challenge me. I have stopped allowing other people to guilt me into participating. I have stopped diminishing myself so others wont be threatened. I refuse to be less because some folks chose not to be more.When a friend tries to sabotage my efforts with random cakes and pies, or gym deterrents I call them on they BS with love, and stick to my plan. The biggest and most shocking change for me this week was tearing my idols down.

False Idols

I have held several people in higher esteem than warranted. They never asked for the pedestals I put them on and I recognize that in tearing down their altars I am setting myself free. I still love and respect each individual. I’m just releasing them from my “White Knight Honor Guard”.  Anything I ever believed you were to me or going to do  for me, I have become and done for myself. Thank you for being the oasis in my desert. Even if the promise wasn’t real or everlasting, believing in you through cracked and parched terrain carried me to this dwelling place. In the words of a great man,”You should be worshiped”…just not by me.

RUHCUS Wrapup

I know that momentum in the midst of all that is happening in our lives is a challenge. Push through, I promise its going to be worth it all. Great change is proceeded by great sacrifice. You are not alone. I will be here supporting you every step of the way. Take a look at the people and systems that you have placed your faith in and just maybe you got a few altars of your own to tear down. SWAT over and out.

You need your RUHCUS, and so do I.

Only Confidence

Instructions on creating your own RUHCUS

http://youtu.be/MJYpqNdBG9Y

 

 

 

RUHCUS Day 16: I Refuse to Metastisize For Anyone

Sad Girl Gone Mad

I am committed to being honest with myself in this process. One of the seven stages of grief is anger, and that is what I am struggling to release today. I have been reading Peace from Broken Pieces this week. The book is nonfiction and part of it talks about a beautiful young woman who died of  cancer after years of holding on to anger.

When I started this process I needed to grieve and I had to give myself permission to do so. I released the pain as I wept but I had no idea until this week that underneath everything is a smoldering flame. I genuinely love the two people that caused me  the most harm, and I don’t want to go off on them or tell them how much damage they did. I just need to find a release valve for all of the anger that built up. Its got to go somewhere or it will continue to occupy my spirit and my strength. Running helped. I ran five more miles today, and I’m going to kick box tonight. It’s a start. Before bed, I will write down all the things I’m angry about, shout it out at my four walls and then toss it into the fire place. I will do it every day until I’m not angry anymore. I don’t have time to debate whether or not I have a right to be angry, or all the reasons why I shouldn’t be. Here’s truth…I am. Im not mad at a person or a situation. I built up 32 years of steam and never released it. This is why I am so quick to go off on people for minor infractions. I have got to tap this geyser or risk explosion or worse implosion. There isn’t a cure all formula, so this week it is just me facing down my demons by any means necessary so that anger doesn’t turn to bitterness and harden my heart  into something malignant.

You need your RUHCUS, and so do I.

Only Confidence

Instructions on creating your own RUHCUS

http://youtu.be/MJYpqNdBG9Y

RUHCUS Day 15: Here’s looking at you, Kid

Feel Like A Million Bucks

I used to be repulsed by the shape of my body, now I see an absolutely beautiful image when I look at myself in the mirror. Don’t need make up, black to make me look slim, pills to burn the fat, peach cobbler or chocolate to numb the pain, expensive stuff to make me worthy, or a man to tell me just how fly I am…

I have officially reached the halfway mark in my RUHCUS journey. I am absolutely amazed at all of the positive changes that have taken place in my world. I still have room for improvement but I love me in a way that I could never before claim. I was standing naked in front of the mirror admiring the tone of my skin, the way it glows naturally, the curve of my hips, and the dimples in my smile that I never really noticed. I dont feel self loathing or disgust when I see my stomach. I see a temple that stretched to carry life.

I know first hand how painful and daunting a task it is to open wounds that need disinfecting, reset vertebrae, bone and purge the venom from your blood at the risk of being laughed at , talked about, made of fun, and dismissed. Here is truth… for what I have gained in this process they could do it all and I wouldnt back down.

Who are you living for? Stop waiting for the right time,now is. Whatever it is holding you back, boxing you in,abbreviating your sentences…reach out and tag your RUHCUS family. We will help you wrestle it down, tie it up, set it free in the wilderness, send it into the atmosphere or cast it into the flames. You can change your heart,your mind, and your body because I did, and we are with you every step of the way. Freedom will always be worth the cost.

You need your RUHCUS, and so do we.

Only Confidence

Instructions on creating your own RUHCUS

http://youtu.be/MJYpqNdBG9Y

RUHCUS Day 14:Second Chances

Forgiveness & Reconciliation

While looking at areas in my spirit that need improvement I have chosen to work on these things.I can be  overly critical and unforgiving.I have held grudges  for years. If  you offend, hurt, insult, deceive, bumped into, jaywalked in front of, burned my biscuits, or blinked wrong. I would go into orange terror alert(defense mode) and drop a brick wall equipped with archers, moats and crocodiles. I rarely explained why I was upset, and I didn’t  give second chances or opportunities for explanation.

Moving Toward the Light

I had friends that I loved on voice mail/text status with no other access to my life. I took the first steps toward reconciliation and called them.  Each of them apologized and said they didnt understand why I didnt tell them sooner or give them an opportunity to make it right. I said, “If I told you that you hurt me  I believed it was a sign of weakness.I am sorry that I let my ego take over  and shut you out. ” It was never their intent to hurt me. If one of them had died while I was holding onto the hurt I would have been devastated. Healing for me today is giving back the love and understanding that has been given to me.

Let Me Preface This…

There are people that you need to remove from your inner circle and life all together. It happens. There some things you dont get a second chance at doing to me. If the core of the transgression suggests you miscalculated my worth or your behavior endangers me or my family, we cant never be friends again.

People grow apart, paths diverge, and allegiances and interest change and so will your friends. We are all constantly evolving. All I’m saying is that life is short, your truest friends are flawed humans, love them anyway.

We need your RUHCUS, and so do you.

Only Confidence

Instructions on creating your own RUHCUS

http://youtu.be/MJYpqNdBG9Y

RUHCUS Day 13: Are You A Hoarder?

TCB

I wanted to just check in with you all, and let you know that I am still with you. It is the last week of my summer semester and exams and papers in Japanese, Criminology, and Gender in the Middle East are taking a hefty chunk of my once available blogging time. Not to mention those four beautiful children of mines who seem to need me for all kinds of random chauffeuring, cooking, and monster slaying. Having said that, I want to reach out to those of you who are condemning yourself for not vlogging and blogging every day.

RUHCUS is about liberation and freedom, not bondage to routine and ritual. There is nothing wrong with posting and sharing as you can. Don’t quit because you feel to far behind to catch up. Post for multiple days in one message. You aren’t on a time clock. This isn’t a race or a competition. I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty about handling business for the past three days and back logging. I want to challenge you, if you dropped out because it seemed like another task on your long to do list and you were overwhelmed, get back in the process. You dont have to start over with day one.  Being swamped by obligations and family is part of the process, move forward. My healing is a priority, but so are my children, education, activism, gas, water, electric and rent.#ijs

Are You A Hoarder?

After the monumental success of the Willing to Weep ceremony, I have been completely altered permanently. If you were missing an arm from birth you wouldnt know any other way. I didn’t know any other way. You might even believe that you were operating at full capacity, and just as capable as any two armed person. You could accomplish great things in the world and feel you had made the best of your life inspite of your handicap. I’ve had relative success  and things I considered to be great accomplishments in my then limited state.

Lets say you go to a healer with a friend, not believing that anything will change or that you need it.  After all you have become and expert at navigating with your one good arm. Right? So the healer finds the root cause of your handicap and suddenly your other arm pops out whole and intact. You clapping your hands, windmilling on fools on GP, turning cartwheels, skiing and all kinds of things you had never been able to do. Wow who knew life could be this good with a whole heart.

Well that’s what I feel like. I didnt even realize that I had spent my whole life compensating for my broken heart. Every decision, dream, relationship, or interaction I ever had was diminished by all of the junk that I was hoarding. My heart was fractured, and my spirit was cluttered with every insult, injury, and wound I had ever received. I spent 32 years collecting. At about 12 years old I remember telling myself over and over again I will never forget this betrayal, I will never forget this pain and I continued to say that every time I got hurt. Cataloging my life.  I remember how tangible the pain and anger was, and feeling as if remembering was my last defense against the people trying to sweep it under the rug. I swore to hang on to it forever…and I almost did. I coudnt even see how much junk was filling my house(spirit), and when some loving friend or family member suggested I lay my anger down,  downsize my weapons arsenal, or let go of a grudge…I went off KATIE KABOOM style like one of the hoarders. I would justify my need to keep it by explaining the story behind the item, and why I had to keep it.

When a hoarded house is crammed to capacity it attracts vermin.( I aint even going to lean on this one.What kind of men you attracting?)You do the math. Below is a list of some of them.

Spiritual Vermin

  • self abasing thoughts
  • self destructive behavior
  • parasitic relationships
  • emotional eating
  • self sabotaging your goals
  • skewed self image

My Willing to Weep Ceremony was cleaning house on steroids. I feel so liberated and for the first time in my life i feel whole. No cracks or creatures. I never knew I could love the people in my world as I do now, without judgement. I am forever grateful for all of my friends that  participated and have no negative feelings about the ones who didnt.

“Your eyes will adjust to the level of dysfunction around you.” Iyanla Vanzant

Maybe you have done some hoarding of your own. You may have been looking at your mess so long that you cant tell the mess from the rest. I promise if you keep hoarding, no matter how pretty your lawn or exclusive the neighborhood, youre rotting from the inside out.

We need your RUHCUS, and so do you.

Only Confidence

Instructions on creating your own RUHCUS

http://youtu.be/MJYpqNdBG9Y