I want to share some insight I gained from an idea Iyanla Vanzant presented in one of her many works. The concept is that of a God contract. I have always claimed to believe my life was predestined. In specific I love to quote how its a fixed fight, and how God knew me when I was in my mothers womb.
I am walking in a new revelation today. God knew me before I entered her womb and I entered her womb as a direct result of that knowing. I have always been very strong willed and I am so ultra convinced that Im a super hero. I historically take on the most difficult tasks and assignments because I believe I can do anything.
Freshman year at Booker T. all my friends were taking Spanish. I had to prove my super intellect and take Japanese. It was the most difficult language they offered in my opinion. Every one said it was a stupid move and I was setting my self up for failure but here we are more than 10 years and countless college level Japanese courses later and I speak read and write Japanese daily with ease.
I envision that as God was communing with a group of spirits,passing out assignments. He held up a life that would be shaped by sorrow,rejection,trauma, and abuse. It would require courage, bravery and above all confidence, and this life would change the world, and the blessings and rewards would outweigh all the sacrifices.
I imagine the other spirits staring into vastness like uh uh, not me, and I leaped from my seat and said, ” I got this. I can do it. Ill do it.”
God may have said, ” Do you understand the circumstances under which you are entering the earth? You will forget everything you know and how powerful you are and there will be heartache as you try to manifest all that you are here, there.”
I am so certain at this point in my life, that Confidence said “I’m strong enough to do this, wise enough to find my way back home, and with you on my side no one can stop me from fully manifesting in the Earth.”
The Life I Should Have Had…
- My father should have stopped drinking and abusing my mom. He should have held his family together. He should have moved to the United States to be apart of my life, and paid child support. He should have whooped my Mama’s new Husband’s ass, my children’s father’s asses, several family members asses and anyone else that looked at me wrong. He should have told my mom that she couldn’t treat us unequally. When I left home at fifteen he should have been there for me to run to. He should have protected me.
- My mom should have married a man that loved all of her children. She should have never said that if she had to pick between him and me she would choose him. We should have had a loving relationship that allowed me to confide in her, cry on her shoulder, climb in her bed when I was scared. She should pick up the kids once a month to spend the weekend at Grandmas so I can have a break. Her Husband should not treat them with disrespect and apathy because they are mine. Every summer should take the kids for a little while so they can actually get to know her, versus the life style of cameo appearances.
- My sister wouldn’t have called me fat. She wouldn’t have been hateful, spiteful or jealous. She would not constantly point out all the things that she thought were wrong with my shape. She would be mature, never repeat lies without proof, and understand that proof is not Shaqualaundria said. She would never speak word curses/negative things over me and my children in hopes that they would come to pass, so she could get to say I told you so. She would not let insecurities, and feelings of rejection dictate every action and conversation. She would have loved me, defended me, and valued me before we were all grown up.
The origin of my journey…
It really hurts to live in a house where every one is your enemy and you are the minority in every fight.
I learned not to flinch,show no fear
Knuckle up at the flight of a fist
Your protection was as nonexistent as your affection
You are why I live like this
There’s a 380 next to my tazor, thats next to my razor
And I still dont know what safe is
I still check under the beds
Cant close closet doors on the boogie men in my head
You’d be amazed the places that memories cling to
My scars have been bars
Today Im squeezing through
I felt so unloved, unworthy, undervalued, and unprotected for so many years and I understand now that it couldn’t have been any other way. I will never again look back and long for woulda,shoulda,couldas. I am so excited that I have found a place of peace , and truly feel liberated to love the people that hurt me. Whatever your contribution has been to my life be it negative or positive, it has all driven me closer to manifesting in this Earth. I do believe that I can overcome every obstacle and that full manifestation will come. There is just pure forgiveness and gratitude in my acceptance that they could only be as they are. I am crying but these are just tears of joy and relief. I chose this life because “I” believed in me and God working through me…accepting the challenge wholeheartedly.
If you would like to start your own RUHCUS follow the link below…