You Can’t Keep A Good Girl Down

I’ve been feeling under the weather for over a week now. I assumed it was just a product of my nonstop go life. I tried resting but no amount of sleep made me feel better. I woke up with chest pains and drove myself to the ER. They are taking exceptional care of me.

As the doctors scramble around anxiously pouring over tests results and the nurses fuss over IVs, beeping machines, and charts, I consider that tomorrow is the first day of school for Icey, Messiah and Majesty. I do not entertain for a second that I won’t be there.

I sent out the alert to my tribe. The response is as always overwhelming love and support. In the middle of all the texts and calls I got a text that tells me I’m  qualified for Slam Nuba’s (WE CUT HEADS) IWPS Slam on Friday.Well if you know me, you know what that means…

They just gave me nitroglycerin and morphine. It has a similar effect as a benadryl smoothie. Never the less I am guiding Majesty through lighting the candles on my altar and talking Icey and Messiah through mentally preparing for the first day of school via text. It’s not what you have or how you look. It’s all about what you do. I’ll be here memorizing new poems from my Google Drive app until they agree that all is well and send my divinely healthy, magic ass home. And so it is. As I was typing this, the CT scan results came back. I don’t have a pulmonary blood clot!! They are keeping me overnight but I’ll be on my feet in no time and on the mic Friday. Tribe is gold. God is great.

All love. All light. Always.

Confidence Omenai

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RUHCUS Day 7: You need your RUHCUS.

Willing to Weep Ceremony

My worries…

  • What if I freeze up and default into “warrior mode”?
  • What if they think the things Ive written down are stupid?
  • What if no one shows up?

I refuse to let the fear of rejection make me retreat. Ready or not healing comes.

Don’t let anyone or anything hold you back. Sonya pin pointed the fact that many people don’t like it when your healing triggers their wounded places  . Not everyone wants to do the work, believing that ignoring their issues makes them non existent. WRONG AGAIN

They will fester and leak into every area of your life. Then one day when its really inconvenient , and you all polished and purrdy they will break out in all they ugly, toxic, stank and start a ruckus for real. (True story)

Im dealing with my issues before my issues deal with me, and I suggest you do the same.

We need your RUHCUS, Hell you need your RUHCUS.

Only Confidence

Instructions on creating your own RUHCUS

http://youtu.be/MJYpqNdBG9Y

RUHCUS Day 6: Dont Back up or Back Down

Are you losing momentum or facing backlash?

I want to just take day six to encourage you all. The novelty has worn off and now you have exposed wounds, secrets told, ugly truths staring you dead in the face and people trying to tell you to heal their way, in their timing, in acceptable bounds.

When I said unapologetic that is exactly what I meant. This is about me doing whatever it takes to be whole and healed. I am not interested in it looking good or sounding perfect.

I noticed that my saved friends and family have had a much harder time supporting me. These are the things that have been said to me.

All that crying is fake you are always happy, the joy of the Lord is your strength stop opening old wounds.

  • If you broke your leg and it healed wrong you would likely be able to walk but with a significant limp. You would go to a doctor and they would rebreak the leg and set the bone correctly. Very few if anyone has ever said Im just gonna lay here and read scripture to this broken bone and live with limited mobility forever, the Joy of the Lord is my strength.

You can stay broken and keep your masks and facades in tact if you want to. Hide behind pleasantries and tell everyone how great our God is while you bleed internally and suffer alone from the back pew to the pulpit.

Being a child of God does not exempt you from heartache and injury in this world, and every wound, ailment or disease is not cured by conventional means. Sometimes you gotta do something you’ve never done to get something you never had.

List of  Revolutionaries who’s were Unconventional

Shadrach, Meshack Abednego might have said, “Ive had enough. Im trying to pray these fools keep interrupting, I aint just gon keep stopping, I aint bowing and you cant make me. Bring the furnace on!!! Do you know who my Father is, SON? We aint never scurrred.” (youll be burned to death)

George Washington Carver might have said, “So you telling me all we got to eat is peanuts and a loaf of bread? Im not going to keep trying to put these peanuts in my sandwich they keep falling out getting stuck in my back teeth, Im going to mush this into an amazingly delicious spread.” ( its never been done)

Harriet Tubman might have said,” What you mean I cant leave? Wait til the sun go down, I’m out. I dont care about they dogs, lynching, beatings, murders, mutilation, Im going North and Im taking errry body I know.(they going to catch you and kill you)

There will always be a voice telling you what you cant do, why you aren’t worthy, why no one will support you, and most of all what not to do…DON’T LISTEN ITS ALL LIES.

I believe in you…dont give in and dont give up.


Only Confidence

RUHCUS Day Five: Accepting What I Cannot Change

RUHCUS Day Five

Accepting What I Cannot Change

Today has been challenging but once I cleared this from my spirit, I felt much better. I have no regrets about putting my children first, and I accept that his addiction is not my fault. His relapses were and are still not reflective of my worth, or his love for his children. I could get a phone call today telling me that he is dead and my heart and head are prepared to carry this family alone. I chose to write less and talk more today. I have no desire to ever be in a relationship with him again, but I recognize that what happens to him directly affects our children and will continue to send , love, light and forgiveness toward him.

In supporting me in this healing process today please send love, light, and speak a blessing over my son Messiah and his father.

Only Confidence

Instructions on Starting Your Own RUHCUS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJYpqNdBG9Y&feature=related

RUHCUS Day Four: No Other Way

I want to share some insight I gained from an idea Iyanla Vanzant presented in one of her many works.  The concept is that of a God contract.  I have always claimed to believe my life was predestined. In specific I love to quote how its a fixed fight, and how God knew me when I was in my mothers womb.

I am walking in a new revelation today. God knew me before I entered her womb and I entered her womb as a direct result of that knowing. I have always been very strong willed and I am so ultra convinced that Im a super hero. I historically take on the most difficult tasks and assignments because I believe I can do anything.

Freshman year at Booker T. all my friends were taking Spanish. I had to prove my super intellect and take Japanese. It was the most difficult language they offered in my opinion. Every one said it was a stupid move and I was setting my self up for failure but here we are more than 10 years and countless college level Japanese courses later and I speak read and write Japanese daily with ease.

I envision that as God was communing with a group of spirits,passing out assignments. He held up a life that would be shaped by sorrow,rejection,trauma, and abuse. It would require courage, bravery and above all confidence, and this life would change the world, and the blessings and rewards would outweigh all the sacrifices.

I imagine the other spirits staring into vastness like uh uh, not me, and I leaped from my seat and said, ” I got this. I can do it. Ill do it.”

God may have said, ” Do you understand the circumstances under which you are entering the earth? You will forget everything you know and how powerful you are and there will be heartache as you try to manifest all that you are here, there.”

I am so certain at this point in my life, that Confidence said “I’m strong enough to do this, wise enough to find my way back home, and with you on my side no one can stop me from fully manifesting in the Earth.”

The Life I Should Have Had

  • My father should have stopped drinking and abusing my mom. He should have held his family together. He should have moved to the United States to be apart of my life, and paid child support. He should have whooped my Mama’s new Husband’s ass, my children’s father’s asses, several family members asses and anyone else that looked at me wrong. He should have told my mom that she couldn’t treat us unequally. When I left home at fifteen he should have been there for me to run to. He should have protected me.
  • My mom should have married a man that loved all of her children. She should have never said that if she had to pick between him and me she would choose him. We should have had a loving relationship that allowed me to confide in her, cry on her shoulder, climb in her bed when I was scared. She should pick up the kids once a month to spend the weekend at Grandmas so I can have a break. Her Husband should not treat them with disrespect and apathy because they are mine. Every summer should take the kids for a little while so they can actually get to know her, versus the life style of cameo appearances.
  • My sister wouldn’t have called me fat. She wouldn’t have been hateful, spiteful or jealous. She would not constantly point out all the things that she thought were wrong with my shape. She would be mature, never repeat lies without proof, and understand that proof is not Shaqualaundria said. She would never speak word curses/negative things over me and my children in hopes that they would come to pass, so she could get to say I told you so. She would not let insecurities, and feelings of rejection dictate every action and conversation. She would have loved me, defended me, and valued me before we were all grown up.

The origin of my journey…

It really hurts to live in a house where every one is your enemy and you are the  minority in every fight.

I learned not to flinch,show no fear

Knuckle up at the flight of a fist

Your protection was as nonexistent as your affection

You are why I live like this

There’s a 380 next to my tazor, thats next to my razor

And I still dont know what safe is

I still check under the beds

Cant close closet doors on the boogie men in my head

You’d be amazed the places that memories cling to

My scars have been bars

Today Im squeezing through

I felt so unloved, unworthy, undervalued, and unprotected for so many years and I understand now that it couldn’t have been any other way. I will never again look back  and long for woulda,shoulda,couldas. I am so excited that I have found a place of peace , and truly feel liberated to love the people that hurt me. Whatever your contribution has been to my life be it negative or positive, it has all driven me closer to manifesting in this Earth. I do believe that I can overcome every obstacle and that full manifestation will come. There is just pure forgiveness and gratitude in my acceptance that they could only be as they are. I am crying but these are just tears of joy and relief. I chose this life because “I” believed in me and God working through me…accepting the challenge wholeheartedly.

Only Confidence

If you would like to start your own RUHCUS follow the link below…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJYpqNdBG9Y


RUHCUS Day Three Willing to Weep Ceremony

  • SmolderingI just got in from my morning work out. I’m feeling real good that Ive been able to be consistent about it for almost 21 days. I wanted to bring clarity to my process today by going a step further. I have decided to share exactly what I am mourning or allowing myself to feel on a day to day basis. I also need to add a ceremony to support me in this process.

My initial reaction to asking friends to come and support me in this process by participating in my Willing to Weep Ceremony was that no one cares about me that much, and everyone will be busy. My friends are similar to me nonstop go all the time.  I made the excuse that they will consider it a waste of time and my healing isnt a priority for anyone but me. Every lie I rehearsed was just another way for me to tell myself you can only count on you in this world.

That is far from the truth I have the life I have today because I could count on a lot of people. So I  invited my closet friends and I trust that those who are appointed to be there will be there.

What does a Willing to Weep Ceremony consist of you ask?

I must thank Sonya for reaching out and helping create a ceremony that honors my process. Since I aired the first video I have had several women say that they struggle with the same issue so I challenge you to take this and run with it.

At the ceremony, I have chosen to wear white as a sign of cleansing and purity. I will have a basket filled with slips of paper. On the paper is every reason I believed I should not or could not cry, mourn, feel things. I will have  loved ones that I  invited take a slip from the basket and rip it up and toss it into the fire. Then they will affirm why it is ok to mourn those things and they will share how they will help me heal through mourning and tears. It will be held at my home on July 16th at 3:30PM.

Why Am I Weeping Today?

Today I choose to release the hurt behind cutting off all communication with my mom. In April I reached a point in my life where I just couldnt pretend everything was cool, and more than anything I refused to endure another Mother’s Day together. I have always hated Mother’s Day for as long as I can remember because it was a painful reminder of what I didnt have.

Every year I watched the Mothers and Daughters dress alike at church and give testimonies on how great their mothers were, while I fought back the lump in my throat and held back the tears. I listened to all the elaborate mothers day plans my friends had and bleed internally because those things would never happen in my world. Mother’s Day is historically the day of the year when I find a dark corner and mope alone.

I felt like I didn’t have a right to miss my mother because I was the one who cut off communication. I recognize that I have every right to miss and standby my decision to separate myself so that I can heal, and find balance between who she was and who she is now.

Things that I love about her…

  • She eats at my house on Thanksgiving, and raves about everything.
  • When she said ” You come from strong women, you can get through this” It made me believe I could survive anything.
  • I am stubborn, persistent, and tough as nails because she taught me to fight.
  • Her eyes are beautiful and all of my children have them and so do I.
  • She also taught me to never take NO for an answer.

A memories that I chose to accept and release today is…

1998 I was living in my car for three weeks in the winter with my now 13 year old daughter at the time she was only a matter of months old. My supervisor at work begged me to give my mom and opportunity to be there for me, because no mom would want her daughter or grandchild outside at night in the cold.

When we arrived my Mom met us in the driveway and said she would leave the back door open and I could come back around midnight and sneak into the guest room as long as I left by 5 am and dint make and noise that would let her husband know I was there.  My supervisor was so upset she cried all the way back to her apartment, but I didn’t I just said I was used to it and it was no big deal. Not only did I feel abandoned and unloved but now somebody else got to witness the whole spectacle. I have held that hurt and shame for too long time.

So when the tears stop today I’m laying it to rest.

RUHCUS Day Two

I am feeling much better. I feel stronger. I have those moments when I feel like the whole world will be calling me a big cry baby, and three of my family members will be calling me a liar, but I understand that being an abuser or responsible for allowing it to happen is something they are not ready to own. At this point what they are ready for is irrelevant to me. I wasn’t ready for the trauma I endured.

Today I did a couple of videos, without editing or polishing them. The first is just general feelings for today and the second is the letter to my womb.

Everyone that knows me, is aware that I carry numerous weapons at all times and it is usually a source of comedy. Here is the truth…for many years of my life every day or night was a battle, and losing cost you dearly. So I carry a switch blade, and a  3.6 million volt tazor every where and sleep with my .380 and a tazor within reach and a straight razor every night. My house as an adult is always peaceful, there is no threat of violence or violation but I still check the closet before going to bed.

Today I have embraced a new truth, I am safe, its over, and I dont have to be poised for attack at any moment. Im not sleeping with the gun or the tazor tonight.

Only Confidence

www.onlyconfidence.com